Being kept awake by fear

It’s nearly 2 A.M., and though I went to bed hours ago, I find myself awake, and unable to sleep. The reason? I got to thinking about things that bother me. In fact, it bothered me so much that it prevented me from sleeping.

I got to thinking about my greatest fear, and if you ask anyone who knows me what my greatest fear is, you will receive on out of two answers. The first being “Dogs” and the second being “Death”, both of them rank high on my fear list, though they are not my strongest fear. In fact, unless someone who knows me reads this blog, they won’t know my biggest fear, since it’s not something I talk about very often.

My biggest fear? Well, it sounds corny, and is embarrassing to admit, but my biggest fear is the fear of being alone. Like I said, Stupid and Corny.

It’s just that I have very few people here in my life, and while I value my privacy, I don’t want to spend my life alone. It’s just that I have lost most everyone in my life. I have lost my father, my Uncle, My wife, and many more. In fact, I have lost so many people, that the only ones who are physically here in my life, are my mother and my grandmother, and when they are gone, I will have nobody.

I know, it’s stupid. Other people have found themselves alone, and people manage just fine. Still, it’s not something I want to do. I don’t want to lose everyone that I love, and I know that it’s inevitable.

It scares me, more than anything. Stupid fears.

Difficult day

Yesterday was a difficult day for me, as it is every year. It’s one of those days I become mopey while feelings of anger swirl about inside me, making me want to lash out at the world in a flurry of punches. However, just like every year the anger slowly slips away, and for awhile at least I can resume my daily activities.

So, why was yesterday so hard? It marked my late wifes birthday. I tend to get depressed on that day, as well as the date of her death and our wedding anniversary.

I decided though, that since her blog has long since gone down, and since I did back it up to my HD before it was removed, That I would re-post her final birthday blog entry here, so you could see even a glimpse at what kind of a woman she was.

It’s my birthday. And yesterday was my birthday..but only in Australia…so..it was kind of stretched out over two days. My mum called me tonight and wished me a Happy Birthday which is always nice. It felt nice to be with my husband, although I did have to work.

 

 I kind of missed our family tradition of being allowed to pick whatever kind of fast food I would like for dinner though. Makes me smile and feel kind of silly now, but it was always a highlight of my birthdays as a kid. And where’s my yummy cream filled cake from the bakery around the corner? The one that would float it’s way into our lounge under the guidance of it’s little candles? The candles that come from that old maragrine container in the back of the cupboard where all good birthday cake things are held? The one we eat after dinner, and after everyone has sung Happy Birthday to me? And where’s my Nana (dad’s mum) to give me the nylon panties that are five sizes too small as my gift? I want those panties and I want em now!

 

 Still, I had a lovely birthday, because my husband’s Grandma bought me a cake before she left for her vacation in Nebraska, and it was so unexpected, it meant alot to me. And my husband makes every day special anyway.