A Cautionary Tale

Remember, the internet is a crazy place, and people can claim to be anything they want. If they want you to believe something, they will weave out lie after lie. That hot blonde chick you met while surfing the interwebs? Could be some big hairy sweaty dude named Bruno. The Sweet, funny innocent women you met online? Could be a compulsive liar who lies about any and everything.

So, be careful out there people! Watch out for lies, and stay away from assholes.

Hope you enjoyed this cautionary tale provided in comic strip form and shaid Rant-o-vision.

The Friendly Indians – I know you know (Psych TV theme song)

In between the lines
There’s a lot of obscurity
I’m not inclined to resign to maturity
If it’s all right then you’re all wrong
Why bounce around to the same damn song
You’d rather run when you can’t walk

I know You know that
I’m not telling the truth
I know you know they
Just don’t have any proof
Embrace the deception, learn how to bend
Your worst inhibitions, will Psych you out in the end

I know you know, I know you know,
I know you know, I know you know ,
I know you know, I know you know

Mission accomplished

Now, I know I have mentioned this time and time again, but I will mention it one more time! One of my favorite game series is the Grand Theft Auto series. The GTA game I think had the best premise? Easily answered! GTA: Vice city! It take place in the 80’s and borrows heavily from classic 80 mobster flicks like Scarface.

I already own Vice city on the Xbox, purchased when it first came out obviously. However late last night, before going to sleep, I got on Amazon and ordered Vice city for the PC. The main reason was because on the Xbox, I never could finish the thing! In fact, I was stuck very early on for several YEARS. The mission called Demolition Man had me completely stuck. Seriously, it’s a pain in the ass, and many people believe it to be one of the hardest missions in the game. The fact that they have it so early on is insane. So, I finally broke down and decided to buy it on the PC. Why? Well, to be honest? So I can cheat my way through the damn mission! See, there’s this trainer called Pizzadox that will make that mission a buttload easier. I know, I am pathetic. I fail at games, but I was sick and tired of not getting past that friggin’ mission! So sue me!

Anyway, I decided to play the game again this morning, to give the “Demolition Man” mission another go. To my amazement, I completed the mission on my first try with something like 35 seconds to spare! My jaw practically fell off my face, and I did a little dance. I finished it without needing to use the pizzadox trainer and without using cheats. I must admit, I was pretty proud of myself. Yes it took me 7 years to do. Still, I did it! Turns out I didn’t even NEED to order it on the PC since now I don’t have to shamelessly cheat.

Still, I’ m glad I ordered the PC version, because there’s a Total conversion Mod for the PC version I want to try called Back to the Future: Hill Valley, which as you might have guessed is based on the back to the future movies, which is right up there in my list of top 10 favorite movies of all time!

The iPad

The iPad actually seems kinda cool. Though it may sound like a feminine hygiene product for geeky women, it’s clearly not.

Condoms Become a TV star!

The 80’s brought the world many things! Clint Eastwoods Dirty Harry Character, a cat eating alien named ALF, Egyptian Walking and MTV. However the most epic thing from the 80’s is probably the worlds first condom commercial! That’s right! The date was November 13th, the year was 1987, 5 months after Regan addressed the AIDs issue.

Now, this commercial only aired on the BBC, because us American types are prudes. America didn’t pull it’s head out of the ground and start with the schlong sock ads until 1991, during an episode of Hermans Head on FOX.

The 80’s though is when the condom got it’s first taste of television stardom!

Cure for boredom

Ever find yourself bored out of your skull? Absolutely nothing to do? I frequently find myself in that situation. For awhile I had to endure it since nothing seemed to solve it. I tried watching infomercials, Old Sci-fi movies, Modern comedy flicks and even the occasional porn flick. Nothing seemed to cure my boredom. Even hardcore gaming on whatever my current game of choice is didn’t seem to cure boredom after it settled in.

That’s when I discovered “Leave it to Beaver”, an old and classic television comedy series. I watched an episode of it one night, and the boredom melted away! It was truly amazing! June, Ward, Wally, and Theodore all make up the Cleaver family, and 8 out of 10 times they cure my boredom. The other 2 times? I remain bored, but end up falling asleep.

Just one of them people

Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who could pick up on subtle clues, but I’m not. I have problems telling when someone is flirting with me and/or attracted to me, I have problems telling when people are pissed off at me. I hate that. A lot of people don’t have that problem. Someone comes up to them and goes “Hey! How YOU doin'” and they know the persons into them and hitting on them. Me however? I would probably respond with something like “Oh, I’m good! Thanks for asking! How about you? What’s new in your neck of the woods?”.

It makes me look like a dumbass. Not that I don’t NORMALLY look like a dumbass, but it makes me seem like even more of a dumbass. Trust me, i’m not just looking for an excuse to type the word dumbass either.

The same thing happens when people are pissed at me, Especially women. Women like to leave little clues, so that you can deduce that they are pissed at you. It’s not like those old black and white comedy movies, where the woman will run out and smack the guy with a rolling pin. Nope! Not at all, now it’s more scientific. They leave a little trail for you to follow. A trail that will lead you to the conclusion that they are pissed off. The next step is to figure out why.

Why couldn’t people who hate you just go “You are such a dumbass! I spit on your grave!” and people who are all into you should be like “Hey, let’s screw!” Then the world would be less confusing. At least for me. I’m probably one of the few people who have similar issues huh?

Drunken Patrons – The Beer Song (The Bard’s Tale – Video Game)

Beer, Beer, Beer, tiddly beer, beer, beer

A long time ago way back in history
When all there was to drink, was nothing but cups of tea.
Along came a man by the name of Charlie Mopps,
And he invented a wonderful drink and he made it out of hops.

Hey!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan, or a king.
And to his praises we shall always sing.
Look at what he’s done for us, he’s filled us up with cheer.
Lord Bless Charlie Mopps the man who invented
Beer, Beer, Beer, tiddly beer, beer, beer

The Drunken Rat, the Aiken Drum, the Trowles Pub as well,
One thing you can be sure of, it’s Charlies’ beer they sell
So all ye lads and lasses at eleven o’clock ye stop.
For five short seconds, remember Charlie Mopps.

One,
Two,
Three,
Four,
Five…

Hey!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan, or a king.
And to his praises we shall always sing.
Look at what he’s done for us, he’s filled us up with cheer.
Lord Bless Charlie Mopps the man who invented
Beer, Beer, Beer, tiddly beer, beer, beer

A barrel of malt, a bushel of hops, you stir it around with a stick.
The kind of lubrication to make your engines tick.
forty pints of wallop a day will keep away the quacks.
Its only eight pence hapenny, and one and six in tax.

One,
Two,
Three,
Four,
Five…

Hey!

He must have been an admiral, a sultan, or a king.
And to his praises we shall always sing.
Look at what he’s done for us, he’s filled us up with cheer.
Lord Bless Charlie Mopps the man who invented
Beer, Beer, Beer, tiddly beer, beer, beer, tiddly beer, beer, beer.

The Lord bless Charlie Mopps.

Second Skin

Have you heard of a little documentary called “Second Skin”? It details the lives of on-line gamers, and how their MMORPG of choice affects their lives and the lives of those around them.

I decided to start watching Second Skin this evening. I however did not finish watching it. I do plan on finishing it, but after about a half hour I decided to take a break, because it was actually making me feel bad. Not because I felt for the people in this Documentary, but because I could not stop laughing. What’s worse, is the doc is not intended as a comedy in anyway. That’s what was making me feel bad. It was talking about how a gamers life was nearly destroyed, how he was completely and totally addicted to World of Warcraft, and how his addiction shattered his real world, and in the end he ended up going to a half-way house for WoW junkies.

Hardly laughable material right? Yet I could not stop laughing! I’m not talking about giggles, I mean loud boisterous laughter that echoed throughout the house. So, why was I laughing? Well, the whole thing seemed stupid to me. Last time I checked, there weren’t any chemicals added to WoW or any other game. Can you REALLY be such a bad junkie that there’s an actual need for a boarding house? It seems not just silly, but outright ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, I do understand where the guys coming from. Hell, I was in his shoes actually for a good couple years. After my wife passed away I immersed myself into World of Warcraft, I was on every spare second of my life. I alienated friends and family. I cut my sleeping schedule down to just a few hours so that I would have more Gaming time. I hated sleeping, because I had dreams of my wife and her death, and to me it made so much more sense to not think about any of that and just run away from reality and escape into a fantasy realm where I could slay dragons, and become someone else. Several times I even fell asleep at the keyboard while playing WoW. I had a mini-fridge beside my desk stocked with food and drink so I never had to stop playing except to run to the bathroom. I even started sleeping on the couch in the computer room, because it was so much closer to the computer. You know, someone from the guild might need me, and I needed to be close enough to hear my Instant Messager ding a message for me.

I know, pretty pathetic right? So, what right do I have to laugh at this guy? Because, I didn’t need to go to a boarding house. I never referred to my gaming habits seriously as an addiction, because it’s not. I did break those habits, and not by struggling, going to group therapy or seeking any kind of “Professional help”. I managed to stop simply because I got bored. Does that sound like an addiction. Have you ever heard a junkie say they just got bored of getting high and waking up in jail cells or alley ways? No! You know why? Because unlike most drugs, MMORPGs are NOT addictive. It’s a choice. You keep playing because you WANT to, not because you are being forced to by some horrible addiction. You aren’t going to break into cold sweats and convulsions because you went a day without hearing some orc yell ‘For the Horde!’ and most importantly you don’t need professional help to quit playing!

Seriously, people like that make me sick. Where does ANYONE get off shifting blame onto companies like Blizzard or Sony, when the cold hard truth is, the only one to blame is themselves. Blizzard and Sony sure as hell don’t force you to play, in fact several MMORPGs have built in timers and reminders to remind you that you really should get off the damn computer and attend to life. Is it their fault that people CHOOSE to keep playing? No, it’s the gamers fault. It’s them who keeps going and going cause he wants to be all that and a bag of chips. He wants to get somewhere in the game and he wants to get their as soon as he can. He decides, that everything else is less important. So, stop blaming companies for you piss-poor judgement and place the blame where it belongs. Squarely on your shoulder.

Now, that I have ranted about that, I’m kind of in the mood to play an MMORPG. 😀

Best Video Game quotes of all time!

I love video games! In many ways, they are a lot like movies and books. They are very story driven, well the good ones are anyway! Just like any good story, Video Games are also full of quotes! Some fantastic, others not so much! Some are great for stupid reasons. Anyway, I decided to share with you a little list I wrote up called:

10) You exist because we allow it, and you will die because we demand it. – Sovereign(Mass Efect)
The game is full of good quotes and quips, but really, that is the most bad ass line in video game HISTORY!

09) People say to me, “Fernando, are you bilingual?” and I say, “I try anything once.” – Fernando Martinez(Grand Theft Auto: Vice City)
Not one of the most thought of quotes when someone mentions Vice City, but in my opinion, it’s one of the best.

08) Thank you, Mario! But our Princess is in another castle! – Toad(Super Mario Bros.)
This is a classic line, from a classic game. When you say “Video Game Quotes” This is one of the two most commonly thought of quotes. It’s even known by non-gamers! That’s how cool it is!

07) Despite the Bard’s warm and shining personality, people continued to run from him like the plague. Perhaps he would one day learn that in order to keep friends near, a man such as himself needed to keep them tied up. – Narator(Bard’s Tale)
The quotes in this game are all great and funny, If I didn’t force myself to only put 1 quote from a game, this list most likely would just be full of bard’s tale quotes. This is one of the funniest.

06) What the hell kinda name is “Soap” eh? How’d a muppet like you pass Selection? – Captain Price(Call fo Duty 4: Modern Warfare)
Not sure why, but this line makes me bust up every time.

05) Let’s get on with it then, I’ve got a quest to do in 15 minutes. – Male Dwarf character(World of Warcraft)
I will admit, that WoW has some pretty lame quotes. The best lines can be heard by typing the /flirt command. This is one of them from the dwarves.

04) Fisher, because of what you’ve done, we’re going to set the world on fire. – Emile Dufraisne(Splinter Cell: Double Agent)
For the longest time, this quote has stuck in my head. It’s not so much WHAT he says, but HOW he says it.

03) I Feel Asleep!! – Guard(Metal Gear)
Yes, the spelling is correct! It should be obvious why I listed it!

02) THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS. ARE YOU A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT? – Narator(Bad Dudes)
Come on, doesn’t that line just make you bust up laughing? Ninjas kidnapping the president? Good thing the government knows to seek out Bad Dudes for this mission. Also, No the Caps weren’t stuck, that’s how it was in the game.

01) All your base are belong to us! – Cats(Zero Wing)
Remember when I said the mario quote was one of two quotes people think of when they hear “Video Game Quotes”? Well, this is the other one. You gotta love broken english!