Not all super heroes wear capes..

On February 15th, I lost the most important person in my life. She was my mother, my role model, my hero and my best friend. When she was taken from me, she was still young, only 59 years old. She should have still had many years left on this earth. Unfortunately, complications from her diabetes arose, and took her from me, and the world.

She was a brave and strong woman. She endured a lot while she was here, but never gave up. She always kept going, no matter how much pain or suffering she felt. She never gave up, because she wanted to be there, to support those she cared for, and help anyone she could.

She had several medical problems, which makes her strength and willingness to push on that much more impressive. A lesser person would have thrown in the towel years ago, but my mom didn’t know the meaning of giving up.

Even in the end, she fought to survive. Even as her body shut down around her. In the end, it was her heart that was the last to go. That isn’t surprising. Ask anyone who knew her, anyone who’s bumped into her, anyone she has affected in any way, and they will tell you, that she has a powerful heart.

I was with her when she passed from this plane of existence, and it felt like my world had just come to a heart crushing end. I am at least glad that I was able to be there for her in the end, holding her hand as she passed. She was, after all, always there for me, my entire life. Helping me through some of the darkest points of my life.

She comforted me when my father was killed, she was my anchor when my wife passed away. Despite he medical issues, she was always my rock, and even though she isn’t with me in body anymore. She is in spirit and mind. Her teachings will continue to guide me through life, right up until death.

I am the man I am today, because of her. I am my mother’s son, and she is my hero. She’s the reason I am still alive today, why I am not mentally challenged, despite all my complications at birth. She brought me into this world, she gave me life, but most importantly, she gave me a live worth living. She always had more faith in me, than I did of myself. I only hope, that one day, I will do something important enough, that would make her proud.

I knew eventually she would be gone. I just didn’t expect it to be this soon. I took for granted that she would still be here each and every tomorrow. I assumed, that we had years together still! Even as they were rushing her away in the ambulance, I figured she would probably be ok, because she was still young, and too important to the world.

Don’t take people you love for granted. Your parents, your grandparents, your spouse, your children. Treat everyday, like it might be the last time you see them, because one day, one way or another..it will be.

I usually don’t post things like this on my Blog. It’s just some things I wanted to get off my chest. I’m not even sure if it’s understandable. I’m not exactly in the clearest of mindsets right now.

Difficult day

Yesterday was a difficult day for me, as it is every year. It’s one of those days I become mopey while feelings of anger swirl about inside me, making me want to lash out at the world in a flurry of punches. However, just like every year the anger slowly slips away, and for awhile at least I can resume my daily activities.

So, why was yesterday so hard? It marked my late wifes birthday. I tend to get depressed on that day, as well as the date of her death and our wedding anniversary.

I decided though, that since her blog has long since gone down, and since I did back it up to my HD before it was removed, That I would re-post her final birthday blog entry here, so you could see even a glimpse at what kind of a woman she was.

It’s my birthday. And yesterday was my birthday..but only in Australia…so..it was kind of stretched out over two days. My mum called me tonight and wished me a Happy Birthday which is always nice. It felt nice to be with my husband, although I did have to work.

 

 I kind of missed our family tradition of being allowed to pick whatever kind of fast food I would like for dinner though. Makes me smile and feel kind of silly now, but it was always a highlight of my birthdays as a kid. And where’s my yummy cream filled cake from the bakery around the corner? The one that would float it’s way into our lounge under the guidance of it’s little candles? The candles that come from that old maragrine container in the back of the cupboard where all good birthday cake things are held? The one we eat after dinner, and after everyone has sung Happy Birthday to me? And where’s my Nana (dad’s mum) to give me the nylon panties that are five sizes too small as my gift? I want those panties and I want em now!

 

 Still, I had a lovely birthday, because my husband’s Grandma bought me a cake before she left for her vacation in Nebraska, and it was so unexpected, it meant alot to me. And my husband makes every day special anyway.

 

Same old feelings

A few months back, I found myself in a very bad place. If you have read this blog in the past, you might know what I am talking about. In case you haven’t read this blog allow me to re-cap! Back in February I found out I had Cancer. This was definitely not one of my finer moments, and in it’s self was enough to put me in a dark gloomy place. Depression was present, although I did try to brush it off with humor, because that’s what I do. I make jokes.

As if finding out about the cancer wasn’t enough to throw a wet blanket on the month of love. I also found myself getting dumped by my girlfriend of three years. The break-up came on suddenly, and quite honestly I wasn’t expecting it. However, like it or not..It was slamming into my face like a 2-ton sack of bricks.

I was not a happy camper.

There I was, Alone with cancer and nobody really to talk to. The one person I cared most about, the one person I always felt I needed was gone. She was the only one I felt “Right” talking to about major situations, because when my life would spiral out of control she always helped set it right. Now however, she was gone.

On top of that, after she stepped out from my life I suffered yet another blow. A death in the family, and again I realised how I was on my own throughout this whole thing. I did manage though. I am proud of that fact! I pulled through, but god damn I missed her so bad.

Months flew by, and finally, she started talking to me again. The woman who was my best friend and so much more. She was actually talking to me again, and I was so relieved. My best friend was back. The thing is, and I realised this pretty quick..I was still in love with her. After 4 months, I was still in love with this woman.

How pathetic is that?

Just talking to her was making my stomach do flips. I didn’t want to be in love with her. She managed to fall out of love with me. That’s why she didn’t talk to me for months. She distanced herself from me so that those feelings she had would fade away. Those feelings of mine however stayed strong. I am not sure why this was. Perhaps because I spent so much time thinking about her? Wondering why she left me, and what I did. I thought about her every day.

Yes, I know. I am a pathetic loser..who just so happens to be a total nutjob. Go ahead, let her rip! Nothing anyone can say to me is anything I don’t already know. I just wish I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I can’t help how I feel I guess. Although she and I are friends again. Maybe that’s what I need right? Maybe that will give me some level of closure? One can only hope.

I’m not THAT bad…

I’m not a horrible person…I’m not. I realise I have my faults, like all people do. I am a jealous type of person(Though my level of jealousy has only been a recent occurance..and I hate that I am jealous…it makes me sick to my stomach), I am butt ugly..I realise everyones opinion of what is attractive and not changes for person to person..but I am fat and ugly by any standards.

 That aside, I am not a bad person. I make an excellent friend. I am loyal, honest, trustworthy and generous to a fault. I love to help people, i try and keep my word to the best of my ability..because I sincerely believe that a man is only as good as his word…and if his word isn’t worth crap, then quite frankly..neither is he.

I believe these qualities make me a good friend, and if I was less jealous and more attractive, I believe I wouldnt be a bad romantic catch either. So, why then would someone whom i spent over 3 years with…both of us deeply in love with someone..after breaking up with me just push me aside after saying she just wanted to be friends. Why does she ignore me and treat me like some freak with a contagious disease that will make her grow a second head? “I need space” she says…Well, fine…but during that time while shes taking what space she needs…she drives a wedge between us..that after enough time passes…im afraid there wont be anything left to salvage.

Why does she do this? It doesn’t make sense to me, and she wont really talk to me..because..she needs her space..so, in the meantime I am hurting beyond belief and deprived of the person I considered my best friend and closest confidant…It’s like I am being punished..and I don’t even know for what.